


little woman

by thefudge



Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before Series - Jenny Han, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: (i'm sorry), Age Difference, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Pining, Some mature themes, ost: alexandre desplat - the beach, ost: travis - love will come through, tw: some noncon stuff (not involving josh)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:40:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23387512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefudge/pseuds/thefudge
Summary: It’s Lara Jean who gets Kitty to give Little Women the old college try.  Josh/Kitty
Relationships: Josh Sanderson & Katherine "Kitty" Song-Covey, Josh Sanderson/Katherine "Kitty" Song-Covey, Katherine "Kitty" Song-Covey/Josh Sanderson
Comments: 8
Kudos: 52





	little woman

**Author's Note:**

> here's the fic nobody in the world asked for or wants to read except meeeeeeee.  
> i'm sorry for subjecting you to this mess.  
> i should point out i have not read the books and am only going by movie-knowledge or sometimes making things up as i go.  
> anyway, i hope you're with your loved ones and staying safe!  
> (sorry about the weird fic in your inbox)

It’s Lara Jean who gets Kitty to give _Little Women_ the old college try.

Kitty is resistant at first. All thirteen-year-olds are when presented with nineteenth-century literature, but Lara Jean is heading off to college and she wants her sister to have the book on hand whenever she misses her.

“Is it just another boring romance?” Kitty asks and starts making aggravating kissing sounds, hoping it’ll annoy her sister.

Lara Jean smiles patiently. “There’s not much kissing involved, no. And it’s actually very wise. It’ll help you figure yourself out. Write me after you’re done and tell me which sister you liked best.”

Kitty doesn’t like this new, grown-up tone Lara Jean has adopted but she’ll have to get used to it. Her sisters are “ _women_ ” now, that’s what their dad keeps saying. 

“Soon it’ll be your turn, junebug,” he often reminds her, pulling the braids out of her face.

Kitty pretends to bite his hand, rejecting the notion outright. “Nooooo, thank you. I’m gonna sit right here and watch TV until I dieeeee.”

“Hey, if that makes you happy.”

That’s what she loves about Dad. He knows better than to contradict.

Kitty picks up _Little Women_ a year later during a lonesome, windy February. Lara Jean isn’t here because winter break was over a long time ago and spring break is so far away.

She barely gets through the first twenty pages.

She texts Lara Jean.

_Everyone talks funny and uses a million words! Also, their mom sounds so fake, no one’s that nice! Is this a Come to Jesus book??_

Her sister sends several laughing emojis. _Stick with it, sis. It’s worth it, trust me._

Kitty decides to take her skateboard for a spin. Maybe some fresh air will make her more susceptible. At least it won’t put her to sleep.

Josh has just parked his car in his driveway. He smiles in Kitty’s direction. It used to be a hard thing to do, but now that the older sisters have left the nest it’s getting a little easier.

It’s still not quite the same, but they’re all making an effort.

Kitty thinks about Marmie and her cloying _niceness_ and how she went out of her way to help her neighbors on Christmas Day.

She sighs internally. “Hey, J-Man. Wanna watch me do flips?”

It used to be their “thing”, back when he wasn’t entangled in a love triangle with her sisters. It started out with her dad asking Josh to look out for her at the skating pit, but soon Josh came to enjoy the outings because watching kids get injured in a cement pit is actually kind of funny.

He considers her offer with a wince. “I’d like that, but…”

“It’s not a pity invite, I promise. I just miss hanging out.”

That makes him smile, bright and lazy, like he used to. “Me too, Kit.” 

_Kit_. She missed being called that by him. It makes her feel older, wiser. Practically ageless.

They go to the pit together.

Josh listens to her complain about _Little Women_ as she drags the board lazily across the pavement.

“I want something with action! I want something to happen! They just sit around the house talking about being good girls. _Snooze_.”

Josh nods. “Yeah, can’t say that’s my thing either. I’m more of a Ray Bradbury guy myself.”

Kitty pauses. “Is that the guy with the book about burning books? Talk about headache.”

“Yeah, but he’s got cooler stuff. You should check out _The Martian Chronicles_.”

“It’s not about girls sitting in a circle, wrapping presents, is it?”

Josh laughs a belly laugh. “Not last time I checked.”

_ZOMG this book is SO WEIRD. I LOVE IT. This Martian lady has the hots for the human dude who is about to land on her planet AHAHAHAHA #relatable_

Josh swings aimlessly in his office chair with a goofy smile on his face.

He rubs his eyes. He should get back to crunching these numbers, but he’d rather talk about Martians.

He might want to get more friends his age.

One day.

Josh starts coming over again, like he used to. He swaps comics with her dad, like he used to. He plays video games with her, like he used to. But now that she’s older, she doesn’t have the power that comes with being the spoiled little sister. She has to let him choose the game sometimes. It drives her a little mad. He wants to play intricate puzzle games. _Thinkers_ , he calls them. She likes “thinkers”, she’s pretty good at them, actually, but sometimes you just want to shoot stuff.

“You just want to shoot stuff?” he asks, eyebrow raised.

“Yeah, it’s a way to let off steam,” she says, savagely decapitating a goblin assassin on screen. “There are _so_ many people I want to punch in real life, but violence is _bad_ , or at least that’s what everyone else says, so I only have this left.”

“Who do you want to punch so badly?”

Kitty sticks her tongue between her teeth. “Let me see. My P.E. teacher, the tenth grade girls who keep smoking in my favorite spot behind the cafeteria, all the gross politicians on TV, and Gwyneth Paltrow.”

Josh laughs. “Gwyneth Paltrow?”

“Someone has to stop her and _Goop_.”

“Okay, I guess that’s fair.”

Kitty looks up at him. “So, what’s your list of people you want to punch?”

“I haven’t thought about it.”

She rolls her eyes. “Well, _start_ thinking about it.”

Josh smiles when she’s not looking. Without Margot and Lara Jean around, Kitty’s energy is like a hot knife in butter. 

High-school is a disappointment. It’s not nearly as daunting as Lara Jean made it out to be. She’s not ostracized. She’s accepted by her peers for being tomboyish and loud and fast-talking, but she’s not celebrated for it. She doesn’t enjoy being fifteen. Truth be told, she almost hoped she _would_ be an outsider, hoped she’d find it hard to be an individual, but she’s just one of many. High-school is like a boring desk job. It’s the layout of the future.

 _Is this it?_ she wonders, feeling slightly panicked at the thought.

She joins the photography club for something to do, but she’s not artsy like Lara Jean or really driven like Margot. She gets bored quickly. Josh tells her that maybe she can do a project where she combines skating and photography. Josh is a genius.

“You’re a genius,” she tells him as she straps the camera to her chest. She’s going to do a big collage called “life goes by fast”. She’s going to take a million photos while she skates up and down the neighborhood and then she’s going to choose the best ones.

She and Josh sit on the living room couch with the laptop between them and they look over the photos together.

“Oh, this one’s pretty great,” he says, pointing at the photo of a woman fighting to get her bedsheet off her washing line. Kitty went by so fast that she looks like a ghost. A funny ghost who just learned she can haunt.

Kitty pauses over a photo of Josh in his driveway, getting a bag of groceries out of the car. Liquid smile, golden dusk hands on the brown paper. A different kind of ghost. He doesn’t photograph all that well. But she likes it.

“Come on, you’re not keeping that.”

“It’s _my_ collage.”

“And _I’m_ in this photo. Doesn’t that give me a say?”

Kitty looks up. “Are you gonna be game, or are you gonna make this difficult for me?”

Josh doesn’t have the heart to say “difficult.”

“Game,” he says.

But he thinks about his answer on the way home.

The summer before she turns seventeen she goes swimming in the creek with her friends from the photography club. They’re supposed to document “the perfect summer day” for a state-wide competition.

If she’s being honest, she’s mainly going for Finn. Finn is the oldest member of the club and has already gotten into Dartmouth. He wears headphones wherever he goes and always has a paperback copy of _The Unbearable Lightness of Being_ with him, which she tried reading for him, but ended up not liking. She likes him, though. He’s tall and intimidating and he always critiques her photos like he’s part of the MoMA judging committee. A sort of nerdy bad boy.

They’ve been texting on and off for the past few weeks, and she’s kind of hoping that something comes out of it today. Maybe her first kiss.

Kitty undresses in front of him. She loves her bathing suit, a one-piece with all the planets gravitating around her body, the sun.

Finn smirks. “What are you, _five_?”

Kitty grins and shows him the middle finger. It’s fine that he insults her. It’s called flirting. She hasn’t told her sisters about him, because there’s nothing to tell yet. Kitty only wants to share the story if it has a happy ending.

She’s the first to wade into the water. Fearless, is what they keep telling girls to be.

Kitty starts splashing Tamara and Lucy who only splash back a little, because they're a few months younger than her and look to her as their leader, but Kitty is aware of Finn’s movements, of Finn swimming towards them.

She swims away. He follows her. It's sort of electrifying. 

He catches her under the canopy of a wilting willow. It’s like their private nook in the middle of the water.

Kitty sticks out her tongue and tries to swim away again.

He grabs her waist under the water. She feels a cold wave go under her.

“I’m tired of chasing you, Covey. Are you afraid of me?”

Kitty wriggles in his embrace. “You wish.”

“Prove you’re not afraid of me.”

“How?”

She expects him to swoop down and kiss her, so she lifts her head. 

His hand is on her belly. He slides it down between her legs. “It’s too bad you’re wearing a one-piece, but we’ll make it work.”

His finger tries to tug the material to the side. 

It happens that fast.

In the span of a few panicked seconds, Kitty considers her options. Let Finn, the older sophisticated boy, do this to her and learn to like it, or reject him and confirm his statement that she is young and afraid.

Kitty realizes this is one of those “important” teenage moments, one of those rites of passage. You have to be brutalized a little, you have to enjoy it, and then you have to pass on the story. 

She’s too proud to admit defeat. 

So she reaches out with her own hand to "return the favor". She’s not going to be alone in this. 

But when she reaches for his trunks and grabs his bulge – nails digging in a little _too_ hard, she’ll admit – Finn, the senior, loses his shit.

He yelps in terror and pushes himself away from her, eyes wide.

Kitty wants to laugh it off. She wants to say, _how is this fair? I didn’t scream._

But he’s red in the face. Humiliated. He doesn’t want to look at her anymore.

She hears him whisper “freak” as he quickly swims away.

Kitty pretends not to care.

She stays in the water longer than anyone else.

Eventually, they have to go.

She tells them she’s waiting for the right kind of light. Tells them she’ll grab a ride with a friend.

Finn doesn’t even say goodbye.

Kitty punches the water with her fists. She won’t cry, even when she’s alone. She wishes people weren’t so stupid and disappointing. She wishes she wasn’t so stupid and disappointing.

She calls Josh to pick her up, because talking to her dad right now would be awful for both of them.

But she’s still angry, and when the boy next door shows up at the creek, she wants to start a fight.

She’s standing in the middle of the water, hands on her hips.

“Come in with me,” she tells him, impatience clearly etched on her face.

Josh looks at the ground.

“No thanks. You come out. It’s almost sundown.”

“ _No_ , you come in. You drove all this way. The water’s great.”

“You’re shivering.”

“That’s because I’m standing up.” She dives into the water. “Come on. I’ll race you.”

Josh adopts his grown-up voice. “Listen, unlike you, I have work tomorrow and this is a forty-five-minute drive.”

Kitty cocks her head to the side. “When did you get so boring?”

“Kit.” A small warning.

“I guess you’re afraid. Maybe you’re afraid of me.” She realizes she’s echoing Finn's words, but she can’t stop. “Are you afraid of me, Josh?”

The older boy rolls his eyes. “I’m mostly annoyed.”

“Liar. I’m too big and scary for you.” And she laughs, because she’s afraid and tired and disappointed.

“You don’t want me to do this,” he says, taking off his shoes and pants. He balls up his socks. 

Kitty wriggles her toes underwater. The wave under her is warm, suddenly. She feels like the day just started.

“Do what?”

She admires his bare legs, well-defined and almost feminine, but still foreign and male. He marches into the water in his office shirt and tie.

“I’m giving you one more chance to get out on your own.”

Kitty shakes her head, mesmerized. She should predict what's coming, but she’s just thinking about him taking her by the waist, like Finn did.

And then he does. But it’s not exactly what she hoped for.

Josh yanks her none too nicely out of the water, grabs the back of her thighs, and throws her over his shoulder.

Kitty Song-Covey is the tiniest of her sisters, to her misfortune.

“Wait – what the _hell_ – put me down, you weirdo!” she flails, helpless with shock.

“Nope.”

"I said put me down!"

In fact, he tightens his hold on her thighs because his hands keep slipping.

He walks like this all the way to his car. She’s quiet by the time he deposits her clumsily in the front seat.

He goes back for her bag and his pants and shoes.

Kitty is stunned. She can’t put it into words. The imprint of his hands still lingers somewhere between the sticky seat and her wet skin. She glares at her own pruned toes. She doesn’t look at him as he climbs behind the wheel. She’s afraid of looking.

Josh doesn’t look at her either. He drives very carefully all the way back to her house, never going over the speed limit. The forty-five-minute drive takes them over an hour. She could’ve _walked_ faster. They’re quiet all the way through. His hands are relaxed on the wheel, but the rest of him is stiff. They both smell of lichen and smoke. She’s still wearing just her one-piece. His discomfort is a perfect mirror of her own.

He parks in front of his house, not hers. It’s basically the same, but she senses the difference.

He sighs deeply as they both stand very still in the car.

“Sorry. I – I probably shouldn’t have done that.”

Kitty shakes a few drops of water from her hair. “I guess not.”

He swallows. “Not gonna give me hell for it?”

She looks at him sardonically. “You just threw me over your shoulder like I’m a sack of potatoes. I’m not in a position to fight you, Sanderson.”

He smiles at that. “Sorry, I just – you sometimes make me go a little crazy.”

Kitty hides a smile. “I know. I make myself go crazy too.”

“Why were you alone? You should've left with your friends. It's not safe out there,” he says, still trying to excuse himself.

Kitty shrugs. “I didn’t feel like going with them.”

“Why not? Did something happen?”

Kitty bites her lip. “I had a small falling out with a boy.”

Josh ducks his head. “I’m sure it’s nothing that can’t be fixed.”

 _Why do adults say that_ , she wonders, _when some things clearly can’t be?_

“Oh _shit_ ,” she says and he startles at the profanity. “I forgot about the perfect summer day.”

“What?”

“I was supposed to take these stupid photos.” She looks down at herself. Still wet, still in his car.

She looks at him. “Will you do something for me, even though I’ve been bad?”

Josh lies in bed that night and tries to blink that phrase out of existence.

_Will you do something for me, even though I’ve been bad?_

He hates the energy of those words. Hot knife in butter.

But he took the photos, like she wanted him to.

Kitty stares at the screen.

The three photos are disturbing and enchanting. Her expression is wary. She looks like a hungry mermaid who’s just been caught in a net. The sun is red in her damp hair. The planets on her bathing suit are all black. Her thighs look glued to the car seat.

The perfect summer day.

She knows she’s not going to win that competition. But she _should_.

Lara Jean is spending the summer in Iowa at some kind of writers’ retreat and has flooded her inbox with long letters about every single aspect of that experience. She asks Kitty if she ever got round to finishing _Little Women_.

Kitty guiltily fishes the volume from under her bed.

She starts reading. She gets further in the book this time. It’s not _just_ about simpering do-gooders. The sisters are all different. Not all of them are equally nice. In fact, Amy can be downright vicious. She doesn’t like Amy. Meg reminds her of Margot, always thinking she knows best. Jo is a tomboy like her, impatient with the world and its stupid conventions. Kitty decides Jo will be her favorite, even though she wouldn’t like to spend so many hours writing in the attic when there’s so much else to do, but the more she reads, the more disquieted she becomes. There’s a larger story here about family and war and – the nice boy next door.

Jo and Laurie spend a lot of time together.

Kitty closes the book. Maybe she’ll pick it up again later.

Her dad tells her maybe she shouldn’t go to the party tonight.

“Why not?” Kitty asks, twirling on the spot. “Be honest, are these overalls too third grade?”

“No, honey, you look beautiful. But you don’t seem –” _Yourself?_

“Excited,” he says. “You look like whenever it’s your turn to do the dishes.”

Kitty knows he’s right. She doesn’t want to go to this stupid party. But Tamara invited her and some seniors are going to be there too. And if she doesn’t show up because of Finn, he’ll know and think it _is_ because of him.

“I’m going. I’m trying to prove a point, you see.”

“Ah,” he says, not understanding. But he’ll concede to her superior understanding of high-school politics.

She pecks him on the cheek.

“Do you need a ride?”

“No, Lucy is picking me up. I’ll call Josh when I’m ready to go. Please _don’t_ come and get me, okay?”

Her dad doesn’t seem to mind. It was bound to happen – the day that the youngest of his daughters would find him embarrassing. 

He's almost grateful for it. 

The first thing Kitty sees when she and Lucy arrive at the house is the fact that Tamara has her arms around Finn and they’re dancing in the living room with some of her classmates, except they look like they’re couple-dancing.

This is later confirmed when Finn swoops down and kisses her, with tongue. He is still wearing his headphones.

“They hooked up a week before the school year started,” Lucy tells her as they make their way to the snacks and drinks. “I found out last night. She wanted to keep it a secret.”

Kitty knows she shouldn’t be hurt. It’s no business of hers who does what with whom. But Tamara _is_ younger than her and a few weeks ago _she_ was the leader. Tamara always asked her advice first before doing something, not because they’re really close friends, but because she’s always needed Kitty’s sage guidance. 

Kitty wonders if maybe Tamara is staging a coup. She wonders how much she saw that day at the creek and if this is some kind of twisted power play.

Lucy asks her if she’s okay, but Kitty laughs it off. Yes, the girls knew about her crush, but that’s in the past. She’s going to be the bigger person and be happy for them. She downs half a bottle of beer like it’s orange juice and then jumps into a crowd of dancing people. Kitty ordinarily loves dancing, but now every move feels loaded with weights. She’s determined to push through it, however. She grabs another floating plastic cup from a person’s hand and then another. The taste is acrid and delicious.

Sometime during her marathon dancing, she gets closer to Finn and Tamara.

She didn’t plan on doing that, but it’s a party. Things happen.

Her eyes meet Finn’s. He looks over her like he doesn’t quite recognize her, like she’s a bug that crawled into the sink. But she knows that he remembers every second of their encounter.

She nudges her way between them.

“Hey, Tam! _Great_ party. I just wanted to say you guys look _so_ good together. Congrats.”

Tamara’s eyes shift. She smiles uneasily. “Thanks, K.”

“Just make sure his hands don't wander,” she goes on, feeling a storm in her throat. “Or yours. This one’s a screamer.”

Tamara’s mouth falls open.

Finn pushes past her and grabs Kitty by the arm. “You’re embarrassing yourself, Covey. How many drinks have you had?”

Kitty shakes her head and talks louder. “I don’t need to be drunk to know you’re full of shit.”

He starts dragging her outside, but Kitty digs her heels in. “Let go of me –”

“You need to leave,” he keeps saying.

Kitty kicks him, scratches the length of his arm. Pulls off his stupid headphones. They’re in the driveway now. People are looking. Lucy is biting her fingers in the doorway. Tamara isn’t there.

“I’ll go when I want to! You can’t always force people to do what you want,” she lashes out. 

Finn rounds up on her and speaks in a low voice. “You’re the crazy bitch who harassed _me_.”

Kitty lifts her hand to slap him, but he blocks her. 

“Look, you’re doing it again!” he yells for everyone to hear.

Kitty is so enraged she’s ready to claw his eyes out, consequences be damned. The only thing that she can reach for is a garden gnome.

She picks it up and raises it above her head like an Amazonian princess. 

Before she can launch her weapon, a pair of arms comes around her waist and pulls her back. 

“Hey, hey - cool it off, Kit, come on. Drop it. Drop the gnome.”

His voice seems to come from far, far away. Josh is here.

How did he get here? Why is he stopping her?

“Kit, drop the gnome.”

Under different circumstances, this whole thing would be sort of funny. Hilarious, even.

She lets Josh take the gnome from her hands.

Finn still looks half-terrified. “Jesus, you really are a crazy bitch.”

Kitty doesn’t get the chance to issue a reply.

Josh is suddenly no longer at her side. It takes him two strides to reach Finn and then one left hook to make sure he’s no longer vertical.

Kitty thinks about the list of people she wanted to punch, the way they used to joke about it when she was younger. 

She doesn't find it so funny now. 

People start chanting “ _fight, fight, fight_!” but Josh walks away.

“Come on, Kit.”

Kitty doesn’t look at any of her schoolmates as she walks after him.

“What are you doing here?” she asks as she crosses the street with him.

“Your friend, Lucy, messaged me on Facebook. She said she was worried. Said you’d been drinking too much.” 

Kitty is both touched and incensed. What right does Lucy have to look out for her? And reach out to Josh, too?

“I didn’t drink that much.”

“So, you threatening someone with a garden gnome is sober behavior?”

“It is when that person is an asshole. Which he _is_.”

“What did he do to you, anyway?”

Kitty stops in front of his car. Josh notices the way her face goes a little white.

“Kit.” There’s an edge to his voice. “What did he do to you?”

And she senses how ready he is to turn back around and finish what he started.

She can’t let him do that. She scowls, ashamed of herself. “None of your business.”

“It absolutely is if –”

“If what? If I get hurt? I’m not a little kid anymore. Stop treating me like one.”

“I know that, but it’s okay to ask for help.”

Kitty squeezes her eyes shut. She hates being vulnerable. Hates asking for help. 

“I could’ve taken him,” she retorts.

“That’s _not_ what I meant –”

“You shouldn’t have gotten involved anyway.”

“Your father would’ve liked me to step in.”

“I don’t need a second dad, thanks.”

Josh rubs the back of his head. “Jesus, don’t call me that.”

“What, Dad? Well, you’re acting like it.”

“I’m just looking out for you.”

“Newsflash, I’m sixteen. I don’t need babying. I can have a drink if I want to and I can get into fights. This is exactly why Margot –”

But she stops dead in her tracks, aware even through the fog of Budweiser that she can’t take back something hurtful like that.

It’s too late, though. She didn’t have to say it.

Josh drops his hands to the side. “Oh.”

“Josh, I –I didn’t mean –”

“I’ll call your dad to come pick you up. I’ll wait until he shows up.”

He turns away from her and takes out his phone.

Kitty knows the conversation is over.

The question comes back to him from long ago.

_Are you gonna be game, or are you gonna make this difficult for me?_

_Difficult_ , he chooses, this time. 

Kitty lets her dad hold her, but she doesn’t cry. She doesn’t feel like she deserves to cry.

“I wish you’d tell me what happened,” he says, unbraiding her hair, carding his fingers through it.

Kitty tells him, “maybe later.”

She goes up to her room.

She lies in bed all weekend, reading _Little Women_. Page after page until her eyes go red.

When her dad hears the howling, he rushes upstairs, almost stumbling on the way.

Something happened to her, something awful –

He finds his daughter on the floor with a book in her hands.

Kitty can barely breathe for crying. She can’t see him through the tears.

“I’m the bad one,” she croaks miserably. “I’m _Amy_.”

Eventually, the tears dry.

She gathers her bearings, as Margot would say.

Everyone at school by now probably knows what she did. A quick look over social media confirms it. There’s her in the driveway with the gnome. #KittyCray

Her stomach sinks.

But the more she thinks about it, the less bad it feels.

The photos are objectively kind of funny. She’s an amateur photographer. She should know. 

Kitty picks up _Little Women_ again. What did Marmie say? That she’s angry _all_ the time. But she learns not to show it, she learns to control it. With the help of the people she loves.

Kitty heaves a sigh. She’ll learn too. But if standing up to Finn makes her a pariah, so be it. At least now she’s an _individual_. She almost smiles at that.

There are other messes she has to clean. Number one: her room. Number two: her friendships. 

She writes Lucy. She tells her she’s a good friend. 

She writes Tamara and apologizes for causing a scene at her party. She tells her to be careful with Finn because she’s too good for him. She tells her what he tried to do at the creek. She hopes Tamara will believe her.

She knows she has to write Josh too. But she knows that some things can’t be undone just by saying sorry in a text. No, some things require more forethought and effort. Kitty looks up at the ceiling. The irony makes her want to cry-laugh. She realizes that she’s going to have to write him a letter.

If only Lara Jean were here to do it for her. She’s always been good at it.

Kitty crumples up many wads of paper until she finds the right words. And even then, they don’t feel right. But it’s the best she can do.

Dear Josh,

The day Margot broke up with you I holed up in my room and cried. As you know, I do my best not to cry in front of anyone. Dad didn’t catch me crying until I was seven. I'm a badass. I'm also a coward. I cried because I knew you wouldn't be coming over anymore and I was scared I’d lose you, because you used to be my best friend. When I heard Lara Jean had feelings for you I felt stupid for crying, because I realized my feelings were childish and small compared to my sisters’. I don't think that anymore. I wouldn't swap what we have for anything in the world, not even for a 1988 Santa Monica Airlines vintage board. I was reckless with myself and with you. I’m sorry. I _did_ have too much to drink. And I do think you're a dad sometimes, but that's what I love about you, and anyone would be lucky to have you.

Okay, hope I haven't grossed you out. I'm sorry. For the other thing too.

Please write back.

Or just call. That works fine. 

Love, 

Kitty 

P.S. We earth men have a talent for ruining big, beautiful things.

He can’t lie; it’s the Bradbury quote that gets to him.

He smiles, holding the letter between his fingers.

_That’s what I love about you…_

He stops smiling.

There’s something in her words that makes him feel foolish.

A horrible, familiar feeling. 

It’s not her. It’s him.

He runs a hand over his face.

He needs to move out of his parents’ home. He needs to put some distance between him and the house next door.

He doesn’t take the letter back home with him. He leaves it at the office.

They sit in his backyard on the swings.

Kitty keeps dragging her foot back and forth in the grass.

Josh doesn’t know how to say what he has to say. He wants to tell Kitty he loves her too, but that maybe it’s not okay to be friends anymore.

Kitty looks up at him like he’s about to inform her he’s contracted some incurable disease.

“You forgive me, don’t you?”

Josh hangs his head. “Of course I do.”

Kitty reaches out and takes his hand in hers.

Josh starts talking, looking anywhere but at their hands.

“You were not entirely wrong, you know. I mean, maybe the way you phrased it was not great, but I...I made a lot of mistakes with Margot.”

Kitty leans forward.

“I put her on a pedestal and I acted like she was my whole universe…which puts a lot of pressure on that person to _be_ your universe. It’s not right.” He laughs. “I need to stop doing that.”

“But you _have_ stopped,” she says, squeezing his hand.

No, he wants to tell her. No, he’s cursed to make every single Song-Covey sister his whole universe, apparently.

There’s quiet for a long time. Their hands let go, eventually.

She gets the email notification in December, right before her birthday. She won second place in the “perfect summer day” contest. The prize is 300 dollars, and the photos will be exhibited at a special showing.

It’s the photos that Josh took of her in the car that day.

Kitty doesn’t pause for breath. She picks up her laptop and rushes out of the house, her dad calling after her.

She says hi to Mr. and Mrs. Sanderson and climbs the stairs two at a time.

She bursts into his room.

Josh almost falls off the bed. “Kit – what are you –”

Kitty jumps on the bed. “Look! Look! I won second place! And it’s all because of you!”

Josh stares at the girl in the picture. He stares at the girl sitting next to him.

“That’s amazing. Congratulations.”

He sounds almost pained.

Kitty furrows her brows. “I’m sorry, I probably should’ve just called, but I was too excited –”

“Yeah, maybe knock next time,” Josh says, rubbing the back of his neck.

“It’s your prize too,” she insists. “You took the photo.”

“It was your idea, Kit. You staged it.”

“Yes, but we did it together.”

And she sits very close to him, looks into his eyes, willing him to understand, to believe. Josh swallows. Her cheeks are red from the cold, but she still smells like that summer.

And the next logical step feels so natural to her. She’s happy and she wants him to share that feeling with her.

She leans forward and puts her lips quickly over his lips.

Josh freezes in place. Her touch sends ripples through him. He can’t move until they settle.

Kitty wonders if she did it right. His mouth is still there, still close. She kisses him again, this time lingering.

And this time, he closes his eyes and his lips move against hers, because he’s a fucking idiot. And she tastes like his stupid fucking dreams.

Before his hand reaches out to cup her face, he lands back on earth and realizes what he’s doing.

He breaks away from her.

“No -we can’t –I can’t –”

“I know,” Kitty says quickly.

He gets up. Paces his room like a prisoner, looking for something he can’t seem to find. Kitty watches him guiltily.

She’s seen this happen twice already with her sisters and she knows she’s crossed a line. She knows she should leave.

And yet, she’s still here.

“But do you want to?” she asks, looking down at her palms.

Amy March would ask this question, because Amy March needs to know. 

Josh sits on the window ledge. He puts his head in his hands. He laughs a bitter laugh. 

“You already know the answer to that.”

Kitty clenches her fists in her lap. She’s elated.

“Thank you.” And she’s thanking him for many things at once.

She gets up and leaves his room soundlessly.

Kitty counts. He sends her approximately twenty-six “I’m sorry” texts. Some of them also say, “your dad will kill me", or "your dad _should_ kill me”.

She has to stop him from coming over and actually “confessing everything to Mr. Covey”.

Kitty writes back with a maturity she has just inherited. _You’re being a baby. I kissed you. Me, not you. And I wanted to._

He’s quiet after that.

Her turn to panic comes when her sisters arrive home early for her birthday.

For some reason, she can’t seem to be able to put up the Christmas decorations. She drops everything. She breaks at least four tree globes, tears several reams of tinsel and almost savages a plastic reindeer.

Oh God, what has she done? What has she _done_?

The age difference alone - she's seventeen! He's almost twenty-four! It's a disaster!

She hears the crash of another broken ornament. 

Margot claps her hands. “That's it! I don’t know what’s up with you, but you’re not allowed to touch the stockings. Go lie down.”

Kitty trudges up to her room. She sits on the bed and breathes into a pillow.

She has to tell them. She has to confess. And then _die_. 

God, why did she do it?

It’s Lara Jean who finds her hyperventilating under the covers.

“Kitty? Is everything okay?”

Kitty raises a hand from her fort with a thumb up. “Fine! I just have a stomach ache. I’ll be okay.”

“Do you want me to bring you some toast?”

“No, thanks!”

Lara Jean pauses in the doorway. She sees the familiar book on Kitty’s nightstand. There are several bookmarks and sticky notes flapping from it like gossiping tongues.

She smiles. “You read it! You read _Little Women_. You never wrote back what you thought about it. Who was your favorite -?”

Kitty pulls back the covers. “I’m a horrible sister!”

“What?”

“I betrayed you, both of you, like Amy betrayed Jo. You should’ve never given me that book! I’m the _worst_!”

And her face crumples in absolute dejection.

Lara Jean rushes to her side. “Hey, that's not true! What’s the matter? Kitty?”

It all comes out in disgusting, horrible detail. The treacherous things she did and thought and felt. And maybe still feels.

When it’s over it feels like she ran a marathon.

She presses the heel of her palms to her eyes. “So now you know why I’m the worst. I ruined everything. I broke up our family. You and Margot will probably never forgive me. And why would you? I’m so gross.”

Lara Jean sits in silence for a moment.

And then smiles. “And you used to call _me_ melodramatic.”

Kitty looks up. “Huh?”

“You didn’t break up the family. Family is stronger than that, Kitty. And there’s not that much to forgive.”

“Of course there is! Josh is – _was_ someone that you and Margot – Anyway, I shouldn’t have even _thought_ about him that way –”

Lara Jean picks up the volume. “The thing about feelings is they develop without us knowing. You didn’t mean to, but it happened. I’m sure he didn’t mean to, either.”

Kitty is quick to defend him. “He would never – I was the one who kissed him.”

“But he kissed back?”

Kitty hides her face. “It’s my fault.”

“No, he’s responsible for his own feelings and actions. And he knows that. And you need to know that too. So…you have feelings for each other. It happens.” 

Kitty shakes her head. “It’s still wrong.”

Lara Jean puts her hand over hers. “If anyone understands you, it’s me.”

“You’re not mad?”

Lara Jean shakes her head. She looks down at the book. “Maybe it took Jo a couple of months to get used to it, but ultimately, Laurie wasn’t the one for her and she was happy that her sister found happiness with him instead. I mean it was like her favorite people falling in love. Of course she eventually got behind that. I’m sure she was happy for them. This doesn’t mean I think you guys are in _love_ and about to get married –”

“Definitely not!” Kitty protests.

“But it does mean that I can see why you would like each other.”

“Really?” Kitty asks in disbelief.

“Really, _really_.”

“Meg can also see why you would,” a quiet voice comes from the doorway.

Her big sister is standing there, smiling gently. She’s heard everything, of course. She always has a way of knowing.

Kitty swallows. “I'm so sorry, Mar. I’ve been such an idiot.”

"I'll admit, it's a little weird. But hey, it's the family tradition," Margot quips. “Every Covey girl has to have a Josh phase.”

Kitty groans, head in her hands.

“Except I think the phase is going to be rough on this one,” Lara-Jean teases, tickling the side of Kitty’s ribs. 

“Oh yes, I don’t think she’ll recover,” Margot says in a grave voice.

“I hate you guys,” Kitty mumbles, happy and embarrassed, and the sisters fall on each other, piling up in an amorphous hug.

Kitty steps into his new apartment. It’s smaller than her room back home.

Josh shrugs with a smile. “I know it’s practically a cupboard, but I like having my own space. I’m out at work most days, anyway. And after work, I can come see you…guys. So it’s almost like living at home.”

Almost, but not quite.

Kitty stands with him in his minuscule kitchen and he takes out two sodas. They toast the cans.

Their hands are almost touching.

Kitty takes a sip. She wants to tell him about college applications. She wants to tell him that Tamara broke up with Finn and told everyone he’s a terrible person all around. She wants to tell him she bought a new camera and she’s taking photography seriously. She wants to tell him her dad has warmed up to the idea of them.

But what she does tell him is, “Wanna watch me do flips?”

Josh’s face breaks into a bright, lazy smile. She always wants to make him smile like that.

“Race you to the pit!” she says, pecking him quickly on the lips. She grabs her skateboard and runs out the front door.

Sure enough, several moments later, she hears his laugh behind her and his footsteps, following her faithfully.

**Author's Note:**

> Finn is basically my version of Fred Vaughn from Little Women (lol). I'm sorry for making you read this, fam. Stay safe!


End file.
